I smoked for 13 years and I was once described by friends as a proper smoker. There are some very low depths I sunk to when I ran out of cigarettes’ and didn’t have the money to get another pack. I think my lowest point was when I woke up very early in the morning gagging for a smoke and of course I didn’t have any. So naked and cold I poked around in the ashtray and found a “butt” which had half an inch of tobacco inside. This to me was a great find. I knew then while I drew and sucked on the sad used cigarette inhaling deep into my lungs that I needed to stop this filthy habit. That was the point when I had to face the scary reality of quitting. I always knew the benefits of quitting smoking.
That’s the thing about smoking whenever I a had a cigarette and most days this was over 20 times, I knew I had to stop. So 20 negative 5 minute experiences a day amounted to well over an hour and a half of my time awake in misery. I hated myself to the core and felt just as disgusting as any of the brown lumps I was coughing up on a regular basis
I did enjoy the social side of it. “Us smokers” in our groups huddling from the cold was always a great way to start chatting to people. We used to be aloud to smoke in pubs. Drinking takes smoking to another level of pleasure as does the first cigarette after a meal. I really did enjoy that and if I am honest I still miss it.
Anyway after the cold morning shivering naked and rummaging around in a stinking ash tray I quit. I went Cold Turkey. It was time to open the door to quitting I found as much information about giving up and what it was costing me It was a living hell. I am in no way exaggerating when I say this was the toughest thing I have done in my life. This wasn’t just mentally difficult this was physically hard. I was vomiting at work. I couldn’t hold a conversation for more than 30 or 40 seconds before I had to stop and explain what was happening to me. I could only talk about how I was giving up. I bored my wife my friends and my close family with every detail on what I was going through. I sweated a lot and looked a mess. This lasted for about 14 days and I still clearly remember the morning I woke up and I didn’t feel like having a smoke. It wasn’t elation, I wasn’t happy , I was just relieved.
I now smoke my pen at work and even have an empty ashtray I use to flick the imaginary ash into. I also put it out. I would like to say I have never looked back but the truth be told that’s all I ever do and that’s the price I pay for smoking all those years.